I was born only a few months ago. For twenty five years I lived as a prisoner in a cell of my own making. I clung to songs, movies, pictures, people; things that somehow I looked to like an orphan sitting in the window watching families passing in the street wishing he could have one. I’d never lived, only dreamed of life. I watched others and wondered what it was they had that I didn’t.
I’d always heard it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I never knew what that meant, but this last year I loved for the first time in my life. I thought I’d loved before but it was still always about me and my comfort. I lived by passion, but wile love has passion yes, passion is just as often motivated by selfishness as sacrifice. For the first time a few months ago I stepped out and did what’s right, just because it was the right thing to do, and that was the first time I’d ever truly loved. And for the first time I actually felt good, whole, and each day as I strive to do what’s right, not to feel good about myself, not to get what I want, but because it’s the right thing to do, I feel so alive and such joy and peace, and for the first time I don’t have to cling to hope of the future, I can rest in the fullness of today.
I still cry sometimes, but when I do, there’s a deep breath at the end and I feel better. Life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. Peace with God isn’t trusting His promises, I’ve clung to His promise my whole life, that one day it’d be good, what I didn’t know then, is that it’s always been good, some day I’d just learn to live one day at a time. Take no thought for tomorrow. I can handle any given day, no matter how bad it is, if I stop worrying about how I’ll make it through tomorrow. I fail, every day, but I smile, and try again. I can’t express to you how I finally feel that nice warm feeling that I’ve always longed for, when I go to sleep at night, alone, and unaccomplished, but I know I’m loved, and I know that today, I did the best I could and tomorrow, if God grants, I’ll do the same. I’m growing, and for someone who’s only a few months old, that’s good enough for me, and I know God loves me. ;-)
