Life

I was born only a few months ago. For twenty five years I lived as a prisoner in a cell of my own making. I clung to songs, movies, pictures, people; things that somehow I looked to like an orphan sitting in the window watching families passing in the street wishing he could have one. I’d never lived, only dreamed of life. I watched others and wondered what it was they had that I didn’t.

I’d always heard it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I never knew what that meant, but this last year I loved for the first time in my life. I thought I’d loved before but it was still always about me and my comfort. I lived by passion, but wile love has passion yes, passion is just as often motivated by selfishness as sacrifice. For the first time a few months ago I stepped out and did what’s right,  just because it was the right thing to do, and that was the first time I’d ever truly loved. And for the first time I actually felt good, whole, and each day as I strive to do what’s right, not to feel good about myself, not to get what I want, but because it’s the right thing to do, I feel so alive and such joy and peace, and for the first time I don’t have to cling to hope of the future, I can rest in the fullness of today.

I still cry sometimes, but when I do, there’s a deep breath at the end and I feel better.  Life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. Peace with God isn’t trusting His promises, I’ve clung to His promise my whole life, that one day it’d be good, what I didn’t know then, is that it’s always been good, some day I’d just learn to live one day at a time. Take no thought for tomorrow. I can handle any given day, no matter how bad it is, if I stop worrying about how I’ll make it through tomorrow. I fail, every day, but I smile, and try again. I can’t express to you how I finally feel that nice warm feeling that I’ve always longed for, when I go to sleep at night, alone, and unaccomplished, but I know I’m loved, and I know that today, I did the best I could and tomorrow, if God grants, I’ll do the same. I’m growing, and for someone who’s only a few months old, that’s good enough for me, and I know God loves me. ;-)

Our Daily Struggle

Read Psalm 34 and notice verse 19 "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all." This verse like: "A righteous man falleth seven times and riseth up again." are both verses that we tend to just pass over and not take literally. but for real for real. A righteous man DOES FALL and a righteous man DOES HAVE AFFLICTIONS, many of them in fact it says. If you look through the Bible, David and Joseph both waited 14 years before they were given the positions God promised them, and in the mean time it looked like they were getting further away from the goal, the one sold into slavery, rose up through the ranks only to be thrown in prison again! the other tending sheep, rose up and killed a giant, made a name, then had to run for his life from the king for years. Then Moses and Abraham both had to wait way more years than 14. the one having been born in a palace and then fleeing the country for I think it was 40 years before God called Him back, Abraham waiting till he was old, and Abraham, after his wife became barren, questioned God's plan and wile He "believed" God would make him a nation, he questioned the how's and whys and tried to make it happen himself by sleeping with Hagar which caused a load of problems. :-P Yet God's plan is God's plan. "Don't ever give yourself the false dignity of thinking your big and bad enough to mess up God's plan." Something a very wise 16 year old pastor's daughter told me years ago and it's so true. Peace, Joy and Hope all stem from resting in God. Obey right now. I don't care if you sinned all morning and didn't get anything done all day because you felt defeated. A righteous man falls seven times and gets back up! It never said a righteous man doesn't fall. God has forgiven you and for you to think that you can't come boldly before the thrown till you have walked the line even 5 minutes is to mock the Cross and Christ's sacrifice as if His death was somehow not good enough or that you somehow can in your goodness add to His provision. We fool ourselves with this thought. "I sought the Lord and He delivered me from all my fears." Ps 34:4 and verse 22 "The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in Him shall be desolate." That is our hope. He is our only hope. Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy he saved us," Read also Titus 3:3-5 I recommend reading James and Titus and personally the psalm of the day thing is a good reminder more often than not. I think the reason we get to where the Bible doesn't inspire us when we read it is because we begin to think that it's words are not literal, but that somehow through lots of study it's suppose to allude to how to live, yet, (read James 2:17-24) we see with Abraham that "faith wrought works, and by his works was his faith made perfect." I believed God had a plan, and yet it wasn't till I started "living like I believed it" that my heart was comforted. "Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy thoughts shall be established." a friend shared a description of faith with me the other day that "faith is acting like it is so, when it is not so, so that it might be so, because God said so!" 

 

Granted, there is the question of what when and where God wants you... but: "whatsoever thy hand finds to do, do it with all thy might" if your at church, with family, with friends, studying, working or just spending time with God. Don't second guess it. Do it. God will guide you to where He wants you, but you won't do a good job of that if you can't learn to do a good job where you're at right now. "be faithful in the little things and I will give you much to be faithful for." again as the tortoise said in Kung Fu Panda :-P "The past is history, the future is a mystery, but RIGHT NOW is a gift, that's why it's called the PRESENT!" it sounds cute, but all through Scripture God commands us to "take no thought for tomorrow" and He says that "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." The past He's forgiven, and the future is in His hands for "the battle is not to the strong, nor the race to the swift, but God gives the victory."! "TRUST in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding, in ALL thy ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your paths." Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give you the desires of thine heart." Don't spend so much time worrying about whether or what your suppose to desire, focus on obeying literally His word in whatever situation your in by doing it with a whole heart, and honor Him by trusting Him with whatever situations/people you can't attend to at the moment. You'll be amazed how He will open your heart to anticipate even more the desires He's already place in you, only without fear of failure and when it is time you will be able to pursue them with renewed vigor and no holding back or distraction. Granted it is a daily struggle to maintain focus, but you'll find peace and safety when you realize that God is on your side and your not the one responsible for success, He will give the increase, your only job is to obey and accept His acceptance and forgiveness when you fall short and trust Him to pick you up and give you the faith/strength to try again.

A new creature

I’ve always wanted this, but I’ve always been too afraid to take it. I wanted to have a purpose so important that I could focus on doing it whatever it took and not have to worry about life or death. I wanted a battle where defeating my opponent came before preserving my own life. Where I had to win to protect others and I could for once do something in life without having to worry about the consequences of a hundred other things like whether I walked away or not. I longed for purpose and I thought I would only find it in combat saving lives.

Some militaries have a training course they call ‘drown proofing’. Different services do it differently, but the main gist is to ether tie up or load down men in water where they ether have to sink or swim for hours on end, the point being for them to have to hit the point they think their going to drown and make them keep going. God did that this year, and wile part of me feels like I’m coughing up gallons of water I’ve swallowed and still trying to catch my breath, the other part of me feels like the beast I’ve always felt God wanted me to be, I’m not scared anymore. I don’t remember ever being scared of death, but every decision I didn’t make reeked of fear, the fear of failure.

I never understood the parable of the woman at the well. Jesus said that once you drank from His water you would never thirst again. I didn’t get that. Granted I was saved at 10 and don’t really remember a huge sense of something missing before, it was a decision of faith, not of desperation. But in my mind it’s easy to be unsaved, nothing to loose, yet becoming a Christian meant taking on a list of goals that we would never attain on earth, I don’t remember thirsting before I got saved, I was a good kid, but I haven’t felt good enough ever since.

Now I do believe I was saved, though perhaps what Jesus was talking about wasn’t salvation, but rather a revelation, I don’t know and I’m not trying to start a religion on it… But I have drank from the water He spoke of, but it wasn’t 15 years ago when I “made a decision”, it was a few months ago when I in desperation, with nothing else to loose, when I knew there was no way I could ever have safety much less provide it, that was when I gave my life to Jesus and after only a few months I can honestly say that I’ll never be the same again. I can’t really go into how it all happened, but I’ve always known what God wanted me to be, I just felt helpless to get there and in short, God basically told me to Be who He told me, and He’d take me there, not to worry about the journey. But there’s so much more than that. I feel more identity, value, peace, joy and hope than I’ve ever had in life, and the funny thing is I’m so not where I want to be and don’t have any of the things I value most in life, But for the first time I know how to become who I’m suppose to be. I feel like a totally knew person, it wasn’t a prayer or a conversion point, but it was as the Bible talks about in Philippians 2:12

Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

I’d obeyed in His presence, But it was as if God took everything from me, all hope of ever becoming who He wanted me to be, but, He taught me a few simple things, and though I honestly didn’t think it would work, the simple fact is, I’d made a promise, and live or die, I was going to keep that promise, so applied what I’d learned, and kept trying. For weeks every day my heart saw no light at the end of the tunnel, my mind kept saying it would never happen. But I’d sworn not to give up, so taking one step, and then another. I forced the fear to the back of my mind which was kinda easier cause I didn’t have hope anyway, but I kept trying. “Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy thought’s shall be established.”

After a two weeks God gave me peace though I still didn’t like it and I still didn’t have hope, I knew I was doing what I was suppose to and I found peace in that. Then a few weeks later at thanksgiving wile I still didn’t have any earthly “reassurance” God taught me to have Joy, and that it was something from within, not something circumstantial. People, places and things may bring happiness yes, but joy comes from God, from within, from giving. As I learned to be a blessing to those around me just because I knew God wanted me to, I found joy, it was on accident :-P but God is good. ;-) Then a few weeks later God gave me hope. Again not circumstantial, but my faith was renewed. I realized that God gives the increase and I never need to be afraid of messing something up. It’s my job to just obey.

For the first time in my life I don’t live in fear, I’m more optimistic on life than I’ve ever been and I somehow feel like a new creature in Christ. I’m not defeated anymore. I still sin, but I can accept forgiveness and go on and not try to pay it off or something wile I fall deeper under it’s burden. I still haven’t done so many things I feel God has laid on my heart, but God gives me the satisfaction of a job well done doing what He’s laid on my heart to do today. I still don’t have all that I want in life, but God’s assured me, only after I gave in and was willing to serve Him without, but God has assured me that when I am ready, He will provide, that He has plans for me, and He hasn’t put this longing in my heart just to torture me :-P but it’s not torture of something I lost anymore, it’s motivation for something He wants me to not just have, but be able to use for His honor and glory. I’ve had before, but didn’t have a clue how to live, God’s making me onto Who He wants me where I am right now so that when He takes me to that Where that I know He has in store, I’ll be able to be the Who He’s called me to be at that time. 

God made beauty

God made beauty. I don’t understand it, but He did. He could take a pile of moss covered rock and some stifling humidity and make a romantic fresh feeling fogy mountain range. He could take miles of sand in scorching heat and make a desert so vast and rich with color we find ourselves in amazement. Try taking a black sheet of paper and dabbing it with white spots and see how many people gaze into it’s depth hand in hand with their lover and wonder at it’s vastness, yet God creates a sky that mocks all our thoughts of grander. Likewise He takes us, humans, (a word we use to define our nil limitations) and as weak as we are in the raw, and tainted as we are in our sin, without even more than a passing desire to be anything other than swine who wallow and writhe in our own filth and excrement, and cleans us, and heals us, and makes us new creatures in Him. God has, as it were a fetish for beauty, but there is nothing beautiful that He doesn’t make, there is no beauty aside from His creation. I cannot take credit for my body for He made it, no credit for my service for He not only commanded but enabled me. There is nothing I can call my own and yet I gloat in my ignorance, I strut in my gifts as if they were of my own making, my accomplishments as if they were anything other than God’s reanimation of a dead corps. I have no breath aside from God. May God be my life breath. May I know His presence and power in every step I take. May I realize my frailty, that I am nothing but dust without God.

God loves me. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says I am pure and spotless in His site. He bids me come boldly before His throne. He says I am justified by faith, cleansed by Christ’s blood. He sent His Son to die, He sent His Spirit to live in us. Who am I? I know my sins! They beset me. I feel as though I cannot be free. I strive only to fall again. I work on one area only to find I’ve neglected 99 others. There is no help but of God. There is no safety aside from His hand. I was dead in trespasses and sins, but now am alive through Christ Jesus. What does that mean? A dead man cannot help himself. He cannot seek refuge. He has even lost his ability to heal himself or call for help. I am a new creature. My spirit is wiling but the flesh is weak. I long ago gave up on myself. I long ago saw that there was no hope of improvement through any tangible self effort. But in my agony, striving not anymore for success, but only out of obedience, God lifted me out of the darkness; He showed me that He had made even the flaws for His honor and glory. Through my weakness He is made strong. I can do not but glorify Him. I can do nothing but proclaim His love and grace for it is the only reality I know. I have no life, no safety, no hope and no peace aside from His infinite hand which reaches past my finite comprehension and changes everything within me.

Will I ever learn to rest in His love? To rest in his arms. To not turn my face in shame. To not hide my sin before His righteousness but allow Him to wash me. Will I never learn? He has pursued me beyond all comprehension and cleansed me time and time again. Pulling me out of the shadows into the light. I have learned as I huddle in the corner to long for that hand that I know will soon so gently free me yet again from my guilt and yet will I never come to Him willfully, will I never love Him more than my vices? Are my fears so joyous or my sorrow so warm what I must be pulled from them like a dog from his vomit. This nature that besets me, I long to be free from it. I long for His touch. Lord make me; force me please, into your will.

Who is greater

A dispute also arose among them (the disciples), as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest. And he (Jesus) said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.

I kept thinking that if I was impressive enough, people would want to be like me and serve God. That they just didn’t want to be like me cause I was dorky, but that if I learned to be just like God wanted me to be, I’d be cool and Sauvé. But I found this only seemed to be a mask for my pride. I found myself thinking that if I got buff or drove a cool car I would make others want to serve God. This morning when I read this verse though, I cried as I realized Jesus wasn’t showing off his cool carpentry skills, He didn’t impress the crowd with magic tricks. I realized that it’s not my place to change the way people think about me, I need to serve Him, serving others, being humble. This again forces me to put my security in Him and not me. Even writing this I get frustrated. I’m typically proud of my writing ability. I want to make this sound like a cool testimony, with short stories and cool syntax. Again, I can’t do that, not than God doesn’t let us ever show off, or that the desire for recognition is wrong, but it needs to be in an appropriate category on our priority list, towards the bottom. My usability to God isn’t based on my influence or worldly appeal, but in my humility and submission to Him.