A new creature

I’ve always wanted this, but I’ve always been too afraid to take it. I wanted to have a purpose so important that I could focus on doing it whatever it took and not have to worry about life or death. I wanted a battle where defeating my opponent came before preserving my own life. Where I had to win to protect others and I could for once do something in life without having to worry about the consequences of a hundred other things like whether I walked away or not. I longed for purpose and I thought I would only find it in combat saving lives.

Some militaries have a training course they call ‘drown proofing’. Different services do it differently, but the main gist is to ether tie up or load down men in water where they ether have to sink or swim for hours on end, the point being for them to have to hit the point they think their going to drown and make them keep going. God did that this year, and wile part of me feels like I’m coughing up gallons of water I’ve swallowed and still trying to catch my breath, the other part of me feels like the beast I’ve always felt God wanted me to be, I’m not scared anymore. I don’t remember ever being scared of death, but every decision I didn’t make reeked of fear, the fear of failure.

I never understood the parable of the woman at the well. Jesus said that once you drank from His water you would never thirst again. I didn’t get that. Granted I was saved at 10 and don’t really remember a huge sense of something missing before, it was a decision of faith, not of desperation. But in my mind it’s easy to be unsaved, nothing to loose, yet becoming a Christian meant taking on a list of goals that we would never attain on earth, I don’t remember thirsting before I got saved, I was a good kid, but I haven’t felt good enough ever since.

Now I do believe I was saved, though perhaps what Jesus was talking about wasn’t salvation, but rather a revelation, I don’t know and I’m not trying to start a religion on it… But I have drank from the water He spoke of, but it wasn’t 15 years ago when I “made a decision”, it was a few months ago when I in desperation, with nothing else to loose, when I knew there was no way I could ever have safety much less provide it, that was when I gave my life to Jesus and after only a few months I can honestly say that I’ll never be the same again. I can’t really go into how it all happened, but I’ve always known what God wanted me to be, I just felt helpless to get there and in short, God basically told me to Be who He told me, and He’d take me there, not to worry about the journey. But there’s so much more than that. I feel more identity, value, peace, joy and hope than I’ve ever had in life, and the funny thing is I’m so not where I want to be and don’t have any of the things I value most in life, But for the first time I know how to become who I’m suppose to be. I feel like a totally knew person, it wasn’t a prayer or a conversion point, but it was as the Bible talks about in Philippians 2:12

Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

I’d obeyed in His presence, But it was as if God took everything from me, all hope of ever becoming who He wanted me to be, but, He taught me a few simple things, and though I honestly didn’t think it would work, the simple fact is, I’d made a promise, and live or die, I was going to keep that promise, so applied what I’d learned, and kept trying. For weeks every day my heart saw no light at the end of the tunnel, my mind kept saying it would never happen. But I’d sworn not to give up, so taking one step, and then another. I forced the fear to the back of my mind which was kinda easier cause I didn’t have hope anyway, but I kept trying. “Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy thought’s shall be established.”

After a two weeks God gave me peace though I still didn’t like it and I still didn’t have hope, I knew I was doing what I was suppose to and I found peace in that. Then a few weeks later at thanksgiving wile I still didn’t have any earthly “reassurance” God taught me to have Joy, and that it was something from within, not something circumstantial. People, places and things may bring happiness yes, but joy comes from God, from within, from giving. As I learned to be a blessing to those around me just because I knew God wanted me to, I found joy, it was on accident :-P but God is good. ;-) Then a few weeks later God gave me hope. Again not circumstantial, but my faith was renewed. I realized that God gives the increase and I never need to be afraid of messing something up. It’s my job to just obey.

For the first time in my life I don’t live in fear, I’m more optimistic on life than I’ve ever been and I somehow feel like a new creature in Christ. I’m not defeated anymore. I still sin, but I can accept forgiveness and go on and not try to pay it off or something wile I fall deeper under it’s burden. I still haven’t done so many things I feel God has laid on my heart, but God gives me the satisfaction of a job well done doing what He’s laid on my heart to do today. I still don’t have all that I want in life, but God’s assured me, only after I gave in and was willing to serve Him without, but God has assured me that when I am ready, He will provide, that He has plans for me, and He hasn’t put this longing in my heart just to torture me :-P but it’s not torture of something I lost anymore, it’s motivation for something He wants me to not just have, but be able to use for His honor and glory. I’ve had before, but didn’t have a clue how to live, God’s making me onto Who He wants me where I am right now so that when He takes me to that Where that I know He has in store, I’ll be able to be the Who He’s called me to be at that time. 

God made beauty

God made beauty. I don’t understand it, but He did. He could take a pile of moss covered rock and some stifling humidity and make a romantic fresh feeling fogy mountain range. He could take miles of sand in scorching heat and make a desert so vast and rich with color we find ourselves in amazement. Try taking a black sheet of paper and dabbing it with white spots and see how many people gaze into it’s depth hand in hand with their lover and wonder at it’s vastness, yet God creates a sky that mocks all our thoughts of grander. Likewise He takes us, humans, (a word we use to define our nil limitations) and as weak as we are in the raw, and tainted as we are in our sin, without even more than a passing desire to be anything other than swine who wallow and writhe in our own filth and excrement, and cleans us, and heals us, and makes us new creatures in Him. God has, as it were a fetish for beauty, but there is nothing beautiful that He doesn’t make, there is no beauty aside from His creation. I cannot take credit for my body for He made it, no credit for my service for He not only commanded but enabled me. There is nothing I can call my own and yet I gloat in my ignorance, I strut in my gifts as if they were of my own making, my accomplishments as if they were anything other than God’s reanimation of a dead corps. I have no breath aside from God. May God be my life breath. May I know His presence and power in every step I take. May I realize my frailty, that I am nothing but dust without God.

God loves me. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says I am pure and spotless in His site. He bids me come boldly before His throne. He says I am justified by faith, cleansed by Christ’s blood. He sent His Son to die, He sent His Spirit to live in us. Who am I? I know my sins! They beset me. I feel as though I cannot be free. I strive only to fall again. I work on one area only to find I’ve neglected 99 others. There is no help but of God. There is no safety aside from His hand. I was dead in trespasses and sins, but now am alive through Christ Jesus. What does that mean? A dead man cannot help himself. He cannot seek refuge. He has even lost his ability to heal himself or call for help. I am a new creature. My spirit is wiling but the flesh is weak. I long ago gave up on myself. I long ago saw that there was no hope of improvement through any tangible self effort. But in my agony, striving not anymore for success, but only out of obedience, God lifted me out of the darkness; He showed me that He had made even the flaws for His honor and glory. Through my weakness He is made strong. I can do not but glorify Him. I can do nothing but proclaim His love and grace for it is the only reality I know. I have no life, no safety, no hope and no peace aside from His infinite hand which reaches past my finite comprehension and changes everything within me.

Will I ever learn to rest in His love? To rest in his arms. To not turn my face in shame. To not hide my sin before His righteousness but allow Him to wash me. Will I never learn? He has pursued me beyond all comprehension and cleansed me time and time again. Pulling me out of the shadows into the light. I have learned as I huddle in the corner to long for that hand that I know will soon so gently free me yet again from my guilt and yet will I never come to Him willfully, will I never love Him more than my vices? Are my fears so joyous or my sorrow so warm what I must be pulled from them like a dog from his vomit. This nature that besets me, I long to be free from it. I long for His touch. Lord make me; force me please, into your will.

Who is greater

A dispute also arose among them (the disciples), as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest. And he (Jesus) said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.

I kept thinking that if I was impressive enough, people would want to be like me and serve God. That they just didn’t want to be like me cause I was dorky, but that if I learned to be just like God wanted me to be, I’d be cool and Sauvé. But I found this only seemed to be a mask for my pride. I found myself thinking that if I got buff or drove a cool car I would make others want to serve God. This morning when I read this verse though, I cried as I realized Jesus wasn’t showing off his cool carpentry skills, He didn’t impress the crowd with magic tricks. I realized that it’s not my place to change the way people think about me, I need to serve Him, serving others, being humble. This again forces me to put my security in Him and not me. Even writing this I get frustrated. I’m typically proud of my writing ability. I want to make this sound like a cool testimony, with short stories and cool syntax. Again, I can’t do that, not than God doesn’t let us ever show off, or that the desire for recognition is wrong, but it needs to be in an appropriate category on our priority list, towards the bottom. My usability to God isn’t based on my influence or worldly appeal, but in my humility and submission to Him.